And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
