he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
