and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
