Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
