1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
FUCK WHALES
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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