I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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