Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
farters have to be the big spoon...
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
