A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I looked at my own cervix.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
