i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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