She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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