If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
