I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
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