I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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