bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
