I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
