How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
