The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
