i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
be right there i have to get my cape
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
