I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
