6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
