you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
