It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
