Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
