I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
