Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
