I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
