I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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