i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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