Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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