just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
