I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
