I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
