im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
