the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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