We won't sleep together?
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize