I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Randomize
