I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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