Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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