I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
