This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
