I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
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Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
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I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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