my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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