Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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