if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
