I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
