MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
