connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
