Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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