So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
