Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
His hands were made for my vagina.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
