Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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