mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
