Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
