I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
