I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
