My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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