I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
