I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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