Kiss
Puke
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
