she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
