I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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