Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
